Where Burnout Begins: 3 Ways to Break the Perfectionist Pattern

If you’ve ever found yourself triple-checking an email, reworking a project long after it was “good enough,” or carrying the weight of everyone’s expectations on your shoulders — you’re not alone. For many mid-career women, perfectionism isn’t a personality quirk… it’s a survival strategy. One we learned, one that got us to where we are, and also one that eventually burns us out.

I was reminded of this — quite dramatically — by my “little dome on the prairie”, a cool Airbnb structure on my property. A month ago, after over 2 years of problem-solving and hard labor, it was ready. I had been waiting for friends and a photographer to come out, test it, give feedback, take photos, and tell me all the things I needed to fix before opening it to the public.

But no one had time.

So, I crossed my fingers, held my breath, and hit “Publish.”

And last weekend, my first two paying guests arrived.

The Reality Check I Didn’t Know I Needed

I began to notice I was pushing myself hard to get all the final small details completed. I was nervous, I was breathing shallowly, I was not sleeping well.

At some point, I had to let it go and say “good enough.

And the first couple arrived:

• The bed broke.

• The solar power system failed in the nighttime. (Which means they had no heat.)

• And, they left the place a bacon-y stinking mess.

Meanwhile, as I was running around with my power tools and spraying Febreeze everywhere, my brain was busy writing disaster fiction:

• What if they demand a refund?

• What if they complain online?

• What if this ruins everything I’ve worked for?

Spoiler alert: none of that happened.

Then, the second couple arrived:

• I wasn’t even able to finish the cleaning by the 3pm check-in time. Thankfully, they were cool about it, since they were going to dinner.

• The bed broke, again.

• The newly revamped solar power system still died in the nighttime. (Which means they still had no heat.)

Despite all this, both couples had a great time. They loved the uniqueness. They laughed at the quirks. One couple even gave me so much grace you’d think they were longtime friends instead of strangers staying in an off-grid dome.

And while they relaxed, I was the one overfunctioning to prevent imaginary catastrophe. The exhaustion was real.

And that’s when it hit me: my perfectionism wasn’t protecting my leadership — it was suffocating it.

Mid-career women know this pattern well. The pressure to never make mistakes. The fear of disappointing others. The instinct to overprepare, overdeliver, overdo.

But leadership — real leadership — happens in the imperfections.

When you’re comfortable with owning your mistakes, acknowledging your need to improve or your blind spots, and demonstrating your willingness to learn, your executive presence skyrockets authentically. You become the person in the room that can no longer be ignored, simply because you’re more comfortable in your own skin.

This is leadership GOLD.

Why Perfectionism Breeds Burnout

Perfectionism tricks us into believing:

• “If I can just get it right, I’ll finally feel secure.”

• “If everything is perfect, I won’t be judged.”

• “If I don’t control every detail, things might fall apart.”

For me personally, I know the reason behind these thought patterns. I grew up in an unsafe and abusive home, and experienced daily what Dr. Nadine Harris calls “toxic stress” in youth, and what the ACEs study calls “Adverse Childhood Experiences”. My ACE score is in the “four or more ACEs” category, which means a high degree of toxic stress.

Thing is you don’t need to know the basis of why you might be a perfectionist; you can still recover from this tendency whether you know the reason for it or not. In fact, it’s imperative not only for achieving your career goals, but for maintaining your health.

The cost of this thinking?
Sleepless nights, anxiety, stalled careers, and a deep fear of making the wrong move.

That fear is exactly what keeps so many brilliant women stuck — wanting a career change, craving more leadership visibility, sensing they’re on the brink of burnout… but too afraid to risk a wrong step.

The truth is: your leadership doesn’t grow through perfection — it grows through courage, honesty, and the willingness to be human.

Here are the three techniques that helped me shift out of perfection mode — and that can help you prevent burnout while creating the kind of aligned career pathway that you deserve.

1. Notice When You’re “Clenched”

Perfectionism shows up in the body before it shows up in your behavior.

All weekend, I noticed I was breathing shallowly — that tight, constricted feeling that tells you your nervous system is in fight or flight mode. I doubled down on my daily mindfulness practices: meditation, conscious breathing, looking at nature, taking photos of the sunset, walking the dogs, etc.

Mindfulness builds the muscle of noticing.
Noticing lets you interrupt.
Interrupting lets you choose differently.

Leaders who cultivate awareness lead from calm, not panic.

2. Write Down Every Fear — then ask, “And then what happens?”

This technique is simple but profound.

List every fear swirling in your mind.
Then after each one, write:
“And then what happens?”

And write your answer. Keep going – I try to do at least 3 rounds for each fear.

This process — rooted in Buddhist koan-style inquiry — exposes how little control we actually have and how much anxiety is based on imagined futures.

It also strengthens your self-trust: the belief that whatever happens, you can handle it.

When you fear a career move, a promotion, a bad performance review, or being “found out,” this exercise loosens the grip of perfectionism and helps you return to what’s real, in the present moment, not catastrophic.

3. Be Honest — Briefly, Clearly, Without Overexplaining

With my second guests, since I was still cleaning when they arrived. I simply told them:

“There were unexpected issues with the earlier stay, and I’m just finishing up these last two things. The fridge had to be removed because it was interfering with the solar system.”

Their response?
“Totally fine — thanks for letting us know!”

Most people aren’t judging you. They’re just navigating their own experience.

Honest communication builds trust — not perfection.

Be concise and transparent. No overexplaining or apologizing your way out of your own leadership.

A Final Word to the Mid-Career Woman Who’s Exhausted from Always Trying to Get It Right

You don’t need to be perfect to lead.
You don’t need absolute certainty to make a career move.
You don’t need to control every detail to earn respect.

What you do need is permission — your own — to show up as a growing, evolving human.

If perfectionism is draining your energy, clouding your confidence, or keeping you stuck in place, you’re not alone. And you don’t have to navigate this next chapter by yourself.

Your leadership expands when you make room for imperfection.

The result of my Airbnb guest adventures?

The last couple thanked me for my hospitality, in spite of everything. You can’t ask for a better endorsement. And, their story of general adventure/travel wackiness, which ended in breaking the bed that morning, was so funny I began to laugh, too. I laughed at my best attempts to run an Airbnb with a clearly faulty bed and power system. Then, I shared my funny lesson learned with a friend. That’s the sign of inner growth, when you no longer hide the experience from others.

And! I’ve already problem-solved and purchased several new items to manage the cold, the solar power system, and the cooking. Oh, and the bed. I ordered a new bedframe first thing…lol!

If you think you might have burnout, but aren’t sure, and want guidance about it, take my free burnout assessment.

If you’re ready to build a new relationship to perfectionism and leadership, check out all my upcoming programs.

No matter what, know that you have a safe place to be imperfect at Ennobl Integrative Leadership.

Imperfectly yours, Marissa ❤️🤩